you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.