If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.