I’m ready for Halloween this year
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My neck, my back, my…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.