One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes