I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
You Might Also Like
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Sooo many times…..
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.