me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.