ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.