before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
oh u like geography? name every lake
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me