The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem