My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.