A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
opening twitter today
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.