Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Yeah. This was me today.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.