Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
We like the way Dwight thinks
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me