I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy