Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.