Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
meow
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.