Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
This meal prepping shit easy
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts