This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.