I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*