Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I had to Stop for this
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
bugs when you lift up a rock
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”