Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Cat.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”