Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
There’s always that one guy