Mornin
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
smartest karate player in the world
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?