I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?