I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.