I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
When news reporters do sports stories
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The game has officially changed 😎
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
gender is a sprctrum
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin