People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.