We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored