I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
🤣😂🤣
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
an octopus is just a wet spider
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.