When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.