My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
birds and squirrels envy us
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Plant care tips
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Who comes up with this kinda stuff