I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.