I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me too, bag. Me too….
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me opening up to someone
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”