If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
![]()
You Might Also Like
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.