If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
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BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!