me opening up to someone
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My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Why font matters.
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Black Friday “markdowns” like
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Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.