me opening up to someone
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Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I ate everything, including the H.
Yeah. This was me today.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Y’all know who you are.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
TODAY
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]