My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?