I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
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[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
We avoided this particular disaster
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.