If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement