Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Perfect.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe