My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over