If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You Might Also Like
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?