If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.