Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You Might Also Like
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?