wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
this is the greatest thing ever
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!