[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.