me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
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(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
me when i see my girls butt
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.