My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I fixed it. For me
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.