[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE