Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Just why bro?!
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in