haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
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Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Ah..makes sense now
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery