Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.